Last night my wife and my two sons went for a walk up the street in our quiet subdivision. The wife and I grew up out in rural areas, so to say the sight of progress and pavement really gets us humming would be false. Yet, through circumstances brought upon by Providence, we find ourselves where we are.
Upon our return trek to the house, we noticed a possum. Being a native Kentucky boy, I by default consider myself somewhat of a default expert on the creature. Thus, I was shocked upon seeing him in the front yard…walking in circles…. falling over… two hours before sunset.
Strange behavior indeed!
I expressed to my lovely young wife my thoughts upon the condition of the confused creature.
“That possum is sick…I need to put him down!” I said.
“Why don’t you run in and get the gun while I keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t wonder off.” My wife responded.
(I love her)
I sneaked into the house and grabbed a little Henry 22 which I filled with subsonic rounds. The perfect weapon of choice.
(My first weapon of choice would have been a shovel, but alas, I did not want to get the possum’s body fluids on me given the fact he was behaving so strangely…what if I caught the disease? Yes, I would have stood out in my front yard gladly beating a possum to death with a shovel and had no shame about it.)
Un beknows to me, my wife had stopped to speak with one of our neighbors (we will call her Karen…you will see why in a moment) sharing with her what was going on. Their conversation went something like this.
Karen says “Oh…look at that possum!”
My wife responds “Yes, it looks sick. My husband is going to go and take care of it.”
Karen volleys back “Yep, I have been seeing a few of them out here!”
If you will recall, my wife and I having grown up in rural areas thought everyone knows what “take care of it” means in regard to a sick disease carrying animal…
How wrong we were…
As I emerged from the backyard gate, I ran up into the street with the rifle. I didn’t notice anyone outside on the other side of the street, but I really wasn’t looking. My goal was focused. It was to place the possum between myself and the corner of my house. This way my shot was lined up in the safest way possible. If I were to miss and pull my gun up …which would never happen, it would go off into the woods behind my home. It was the safest line of sight that could have been taken giving the fact that the possum is staring up at me in the front yard.
I stepped up about 9 feet away, angled down and put two bullets in the possum…his death throws followed.
There were spectators, but it was of no consequence at the time. I felt like a hero. I saved the neighborhood and all the little children of these city folks who don’t know how dangerous a sick possum could be. My biggest fear is of prion proteins…who knows if sick possums can carry them or not.
(I would suggest you live you life in ignorance of prion proteins if you don’t already know what they are. Your life will be better for you being unaware of such fear.)
After the shot I looked up and saw a jogger going down the street…completely unphased by the murder he just witnessed. My man!
The second witness was what appeared to be an older gentleman in a SUV,…slowing down and starring at me as I was killing this thing!
He looked shocked in his face. Obviously not a fan of Jerry Clower albums… “Aww shot this thing! Ones of us has got to have some relief!”
Perhaps he was suffering from low T. I hear that happens to men when they hit 40….I haven’t experienced it, but whatever.
I though nothing about these witnesses. Who could argue with what I did.
Next, I took the time to teach my four-year-old boy about gun safety. It was a perfect opportunity.
My wife and the boys went for a walk while I put the gun up and took a shovel to discard the possum into the woods. Once I was done I noticed that my wife, Karen, and the Sheriff’s deputy were all having a conversation.
OH goody… I thought… a celebration party in my honor!
I was mistaken.
When I arrived on the scene, I could tell Karen was visibly upset. She took to scolding me about how there was no need to kill the possum, and that possums can’t carry rabies.
According to google certified biologist Karen, rabies is the only disease to fear from sick acting animals…
I informed her that I didn’t say it was rabies, I said it was sick…
She defended the possum’s actions next to her Trump sign…I got ever more confused as this went on.
Next the lady deputy got on to me and said I couldn’t shoot my gun in a residential area.
“I am not in the city limits!”
She hung her head…she knew that I could not be bluffed into submission. I was perfectly legal to shoot my gun on my property and there was nothing they could do about it. Yet, I relented my arguments and simply apologized, then we walked away with our do better speech in tow.
Would you believe that was not enough for Karen… She was unhappy that justice was not served to me swiftly.
Evidently, it is polarizing moral stance…shooting possums in one’s own front yard.
I guess I simply misunderstood who my neighbors were…
I am sure you have experienced such events in your live. Ones where you wish you could go back and get in a few quick quips to really bring the entertainment value of an otherwise confrontational situation up a notch.
Since I can’t do that, I thought I would share
Things I should’ve said to my neighbor Karen:
“Well, back home in Kentucky we ate lots of possum and I can tell you for certain, that possum didn’t look right. However, if you think it’s a perfectly good possum, I can go and get it and skin it for you. That way your family has some good dinner tonight. I bet you don’t cook much!”
“I wasn’t worried about the rabies, it was the tuberculosis.”
“How did you become so educated on possumiology?”
“Hey, I’ve been shooting guns in my yard for 12 years and you ain’t said anything yet?”
“That’s a nice dog you got there. Since there ain’t nothing wrong with that there possum, How’s about I go fetch him and bring him by for a chew toy for old Fido.”
My wife and I commonly joke about the possum shooting now and keep coming up with smart quips that we would like to have said. I hope you enjoy them.
Oh, I guess I should tie this back in the marketing. How about the fact that you should never rush to get a message out. Rather, it is always beneficial to think through your message, your media, and your market. My conversation with Karen over this possum would’ve been a lot better had I taken three days to think of each of my responses. Alas, I was not afforded such luxury….I will be more ready next time.
Jonathan
P.S. I thought of catching a live one, getting a little collar and leash for the possum and tying it up to her front porch….but that would be wrong of me….right?